Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza