I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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