she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems