I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
