Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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