So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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