no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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