I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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