I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
