he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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