My first STD was from a foam party
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
