Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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