twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
