Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
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I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
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Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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