Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
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BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
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So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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