my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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