Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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