i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
