Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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