i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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