you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
