My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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