i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
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My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
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It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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