why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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