it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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