I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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