Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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