I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
