are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
