I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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