My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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