The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
