I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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