I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
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