I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
