Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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