He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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