Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
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Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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