There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
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I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
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I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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