drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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