The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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