Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
