I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
