Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
