you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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