How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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