I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
