So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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