so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
