1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
