Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
