Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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