She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
