my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
