If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
