I hate all girls vehemently.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
