I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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