I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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