i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
