seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
